Oh wow. This trophy is so heavy. I wasn’t expecting to win. I didn’t prepare a speech.

First of all, I’d like to thank Timmy Dzidrums for awarding me the title of Meanest Person Ever.

To the other nominees, I am a fan of each and every one of you. I admire your mean-spiritedness so much. To even be in the same category as you boggles my mind. Your nastiness inspires me every day.

To my agent, thank you for taking a chance on me and believing in my meanness when few people did.

To my husband, you are my rock that I anchor my nasty attitude to every day. I know you won this title last week, and I thank you for taking me under your wing and teaching me how to be a mean parent.

To my children, your tiny, smug faces inspire me every day to be as mean as possible. Yes, Mommy won. Now, go to bed!

To all the little boys and girls out there watching my moment and dreaming of winning the title one day, I’m proof that if you act surly enough, you can also be up here accepting this award one day. It WILL get worse.

To anyone I may have forgotten, please know that I appreciate you and a part of this trophy belongs to you – if I could break it into a million pieces I would.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!